I forgot that I blogged on here until I saw a link to my page on Noel’s blog.

I wish that were a dedicated blogger like she is. I have blogger envy. Maybe when my life becomes more routine I will establish time for creative expression. Until then, leisure writing will continue to be more of a procrastination tool for finals weeks……a familiar story that I find myself telling yet again.

2 and half weeks are left of the first half of my 18th year in academia. Only 5 more months and I will be officially…degreed. (fingers crossed)

This is a very anxious time in my life.  Essentially, the only thing that I have planned for May is to be graduated. No house plans, no job, not even a vacation or a puppy in the forecast.  My reward for  accomplishing what seems to be the final year of learning for a while is……endless possibility I guess.

So- maybe I will have something interesting to blog about soon. Until then.

When I was in 4th grade, I went to a state spelling bee. Truly this was my first experience as a staff kid at Oneida Baptist Institute.  I remember that everyone in my class participated (all 12 of us) …even though the state fair was in summer or at the end of it.  I had been given this list of a bazillion words to practice almost as soon as we had moved there in July- and I actually practiced a ton of them.

 I don’t remember if I made it through the first round or not- but I got out on the word cocoa- because I put the ‘a’ at the end of the first ‘o’.  Really, I should have gotten some points for including it at all- because in my opinion- it is still a completely unneccessary vowel at the end of a sufficiently completed word- and a rotten trick to play at an elementary spelling bee.

Before we moved, I remember crying to my father because I thought I would have to go to tutoring for not being as smart as all the other staff kids. They could sing all of the presidents in order- and multiply  two 3-digit  numbers together already.  Even though I couldn’t spell coaco correctly, I eventually learned that song- which I still have to sing to myself sometimes to get history straight.   

But back to the real topic of this blog: I’m drinking real hot cocoa- that I made with 2 tablespoons of cocoa powder. Its the perfect addition to a my long research material booklist.

I chose my topic because,  deep down, I love using alliteration in the titles of my class assignments.  My current topic “Development -Induced Displacement” provides great potential for this. I am likley writing specifically on dams in India- so that may come in handy as well.

My first day back from spring break and I’m already ready for summertime.

It is amazing how fast the hours have been going by ever since I started having so much to get accomplished.  All I want is a full nights’ sleep for more than one night out of the week.  Maybe in May~ today, after delivering a book briefing speech, I am immediately starting on a paper that is due tomorrow.  I should have written this paper over break- but the reading does not seem too horribly long so I think it will turn out okay. 

I have an interview for an internship this Friday.  I won’t mention what it is unless I get it because I find that random things like that turn up in google and that would be a little awkward- especially if it doesn’t go through. I would really love to have an internship to validate my education- or at least feel like I’m headed in some direction.

Either way it goes, I am happy to have made it from the resume abyss and onto someone’s interview shorlist.  Especially since it is almost April.

I have made the decision this year to go to school an extra semester in order to stay on staff with my Hall Director position.  I think this is the right move- despite the fact that it would be so wonderful to have my degree accomplished.  The way hirings are at the moment, I’m more glad to have the job security to know I can make it through another year with out having to resort to drastic measures.

Every time I go out to eat at a restaurant, I think of all the hours I spent waiting tables.  Sometimes, it almost hard to enjoy the meal because I am concerned with how the server is doing. Of course, this may also allow me to appreciate good service more- or even just the whole luxury of being waited on.  Unfortunately, I can never leave too little of a tip or my conscience eats my soul.

I was told if I have trouble sleeping to keep a notebook by my bed to write thoughts in….but if one really enjoys journalling this is not a quick way to fall asleep.

Graduate School  has become what I knew it would- a lot of reading, writing, and more reading.  I am excited about learning and thinking of possible careers. I am nervous in such a bad economy what the real possibilities for careers are.

This week was spring break. I spent most of it enjoying the quiet as the single occupant of the oldest residence hall on campus.  It is nice to leave my room and not see a single person- to walk to through the halls in my pajamas.  The one thing bad about co-ed dorms is that I am always mindful of who is around.  When I was the director of a women’s dorm, this didn’t seem to matter to me as much. 

I rearranged my furniture this week. I love spending time in newly arranged room. It offers new perspective, and hopefully new motivation for my work the remainder of this semester.

I am greiving the loss of my grandmother this month. I have tried to search the typical experiences one has with grieving. It helped a little to understand some of the issues I have been having with sleeping at least (right now is 4:11 am) I was surprised to see much of the grief websites dealt more with divorce issues than death.  I don’t know whether it is harder to greive the loss of someone who is still alive, or someone who has passed away.  I imagine knowing that someone is just out of reach is difficult. At least with death there can be some final closure, or knowledge of the finality of the separation. 

Today I cleaned my windows in the apartment- I finally figured out the trick to washing the outside of the windows.  Everything looks better when the windows are clear.

The bad part about taking so much time off from writing my blog is that I have lost most of the accounts of events from summer and the first two months of school. There really is no good time to catch up on this but maybe I will be able to along the way.

I came back from Alabama this summer on August 5th to celebrate my Grandmother’s 85th birthday. It was the first time that entire side of the family has been together since her 76th nine years ago. None of us have really changed so much besides the whole getting older part. Its funny how I’ve started to relate to Aunts and Uncles in different ways now than what I did as a child.

  My grandmother is really special. She joined the army as an RN when she was a few years younger than I am now. She and my grandfather met at some little army party in Nancy,France during WWII soon before he would be leaving back for the states. He was from Mississippi….and she was from Maryland. And even though they had only known each other for about a month, my grandfather proposed and she said yes! My grandma always says that she knew if she said no that she would never see him again…..So anyhow my grandmother was sent back to the states a few months later and when Christmas rolled around my grandfather surprised her by showing up in Maryland ready to be married. January 1st was the date…..and the rest of the story I guess is up to my cousins and me. 

So I went to visit my grandmother just this Sunday. I only was able to spend a few hours but I’m so glad I did. I really love just listening to her talk about things. On her relationship with my grandfather she says ” To think of how little we knew each other..and how we came to meet…and then how it all came out to 42 years of marriage…there had to be a little bit of fate involved in that” I guess its fun to think of what is “meant” to be. But when I look at her marriage I see a lot of work going into a promise that she refused to ever let go of.

 My grandmother is pretty weak right now. She isn’t sure why but she just doesn’t want to do anything at all she said. She talked about how difficult it was for her to actually not be able to do things that she was so used to doing. She is so completely an independent person. I guess the fact that she would join the army would testify to that. Plus she’s lived without my grandfather since I was 2.  She has the best spirit still thought. Even though its hard for her to not be able to do things she says “but I guess I spent most of my life doing those types of things for other people” . Which is true since she was a nurse and all.

I’m not sure she has every asked me really to do anything for her. But sunday she needed me to do her nails. As much as I enjoyed helping her, part of me hated that she actually needed my help to do this. I think I have a lot of her independence in me, and I’m sure it is hard for her to even have to ask for such things. She refuses to say she is depressed though- because as she always says “I’ve had what I think to be a good full life. Fuller than a lot of people. And when its my day its my day” I hope I have such a strong spirit when I am 85.

 Last night mom called and said they had to put my grandma in the hospital. I guess I’m glad she was getting some medical attention but of course I get pretty worried over this. I was really relieved when dad called me a few minutes ago to tell me what exactly is going on and it looks as though with the help of some medicine she will be able to get back to wanting to eat and work crosswords again. I need to take a visit to see her tomorrow or the next day. Its hard to believe that I let my schedule get so tight that I its hard to find time for such a visit. I am a bit ashamed that even now as I think of my schedule there is not really a spare block of time to go to the hospital. I guess that really isn’t something to get into at the moment, but probably something I will keep thinking about.

I’m learning that there is life after Oxford- beyond that I feel completely clueless.

I took the LSAT yesterday. It really would be pointless to try to guess how I did. When people ask me how it went I want to say “Well, I took it”.  If I feel good about it, that doesn’t mean my score will necessarily be great. And if I feel bad….well I probably should start thinking about something else because its not going to change anything to feel one way or the other. I’m so bad about trying to think how I could have done things like that better or differently. So- I’m not going to comment on how I feel- rather I will let it suffice to say I finished- and I prepared as much as normal student can for such a thing.

 It has been nearly 3 1/2 months since I lived in England. I think about it often. It is strange to think that in only 2 more months from now I will have been in the States for as long as I was there. Adjusting back has been slow at times. I spent the summer in Alabama with my sister and brother in law- which allowed me to have a lot of time to myself to reflect and process everything. Coming back to college was a challenge because of the number of people I am constantly surrounded by- all of whom I know.  I forgot how easily invested I had become in the lives of people around me. I find myself talking to some people for hours at a time about life in general and issues they are dealing with. I had a few moments with people in Oxford like this- but more of select group rather than almost every person I see around here. I like being connected to people. Sometimes, though, I find myself wanting to escape completely from a classroom or a group setting and just go for a bike ride. Of course, I don’t really own a bike now here and even if I did the thought of riding in America without a bike lane is truly terrifying.

 So I think about Oxford- but not as much lately as I have been thinking about the future. I feel very behind on that whole life process bit figuring out what comes next. I trust that it will come in time though. And I’m continuously reminded that God is my provider- not me. I am so used to being in control and working hard to accomplish some goal. It is difficult now to know precisely what to strive for- well other than maybe striving to find a direction….I’m becoming someone who talks about this far too much though. I feel as though I’ve started to create some self fulfilling prophesy of not having it all together because I continuosly convince myself that this might be the case. I’m glad to be writing again. Perhaps I will become less likely to bless everyone with my great time of indecision if I let it all out through writing.

Anyhow, this is what is going on lately. A lot of good things have been happening, and hopefully I will find time to write about those later on. Until then, I hope this doesn’t become a huge procrastination tool for me. That always seems to be a danger.